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| It's been exactly eight months since I've said anything here. Eight months ago I had longer hair and more patience. I was not yet the legal drinking age in this country. Not that it matters. There was a comment that my last smattering of posts on here eight to nine months ago seemed to be a denouement of sorts; after rereading I have to say I agree. I agree and I'm not sure where things are going, where I am headed — academically, post-academically, journalistically, poetically, emotionally, physically (insert a few other words here and I'm sure they'll apply). Tra la. I might be doomed to some degree of self-loathing forever, dressed in boots cute enough to get noticed by Nylon (who will ask who my fashion influences are as I tilt my head and stare into the camera with bangs covering my eyes and answer Alison Goldfrapp and Edie Sedgwick etc. etc.) but I won't be employed, or I will be, but it will be some internship at some low-key local "magazine," and and and and. A thousand ands. A thousand unanswered questions. A thousand times good night. | | |
| suprisingly warm and rainy today. there was a sort of haze in the air — not fog really, but a sort of misty blanket that hung around the gray silhouette of downtown minneapolis and made it two-dimensional. a backdrop for cancelled classes and depeche mode on the ipod. a little fiona apple. a handful of blackberries between classes. i attempted my first sudoku puzzle — i still don't know what all the fuss is about. dreamt that my parents had part of my memory erased so that i wouldn't remember the time i had a recurring small role on "strangers with candy." a few party invitations for this weekend. roommate leaves for ohio tomorrow; going out for posh drinks and sushi tonight (strongly countering my afternoon snack of beef jerky and mountain dew). too many fluorescent lights at work. possible thunderstorm. dull body aches. looking forward to april. tired. bleeding. balancing checkbooks. photoshopping my eye color. food, books, naps, writing headlines, text messages. stop smoking. start exercising. resume smoking. the guy who resembles nick lachey in film class who is always comparing scenes to bergman and fellini. collecting pennies, receipts. tattoos. friends in california. writing the same letter. redundant, not creative, never new and exciting. energy drink vending machines. twenty-two-hour coffee shops. career fairs. declaring two minors. summer classes, summer jobs. advil. paranoia. complimentary parking. anticlimax. | | |
| television and fast food are awful. this week (i have decided) that things are going to be faster. faster and better. more productive. cleaner. warmer. more trusting. as i have said only a thousand times before, the internet makes me lonely. lonely and paranoid and almost numbingly neurotic. nothing important is in balance.
i used to have a friend named christina and i gave her hallmark cards a lot. not always well-designed and always with cliched messages. rectangles and squares and matching envelopes and awful fonts, ninety-nine cents to somewhere around two dollars, bought on my sixth period lunch break and taped to her locker before eighth hour concert choir. messages like "of course we have emotional baggage, but at least it's cute and it matches."
ha ha.
no, really.
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| i like double-takes, triple-takes even; it's contextual, but i cannot think of a situation in which it isn't somewhat enjoyable. like when someone you haven't seen in some time passes you on the sidewalk on a not-so-extraordinary day in february and maybe he or she is on his or her cell phone and they glance up and not sure not sure oh it is you it is and look and look again and wow so much time has passed you look so different now and i can't stop i wonder how she's been (and again and again)
or when you glance up at a street sign and think "that can't be the name of a street... that shouldn't even be legal" so you look again and of course it isn't...
but for a few seconds it was completely nonsensical but totally real and everything was suddenly worth it.
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| i had a revelation last night while at work. (it was wonderful, really; completely empowering.) it almost disappeared after i downed two shots, a glass of wine and two mixed fruit martinis, but i awoke this morning with the same self-confident mentality i had at the beginning of the evening. and a splitting headache.
i feel absolutely wonderful and dreadfully lucky as i have recently met a sizeable number of fabulous and enjoyable people, and for once i feel as though i have not been neglecting old friends. i have been reading terribly affecting but incredible literature. i have made fondue. i am becoming more self-sufficient, which is a trait easier to get accustomed to than i previously thought.
interestingly, it is "vaguer," not "more vague." (and i cannot get away from associated press style.)
i love minneapolis, but i need to get out.
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